My existential will

 

“Death will come

And it will have your eyes”,

Pavese says

“Not mine, I say

Because I’ll have them before her.”

I would like to say that, despite all the adversities I had to face in life, I have achieved what I wanted to achieve: to understand my fellow men, the universe and the world in which I was born and I’m living. In other words, in my way, I understood them.

Sure, I could have committed suicide without saying a word, as most suicides do. Instead, I do the opposite, I write the reasons that would probably lead me to this act and I say that for me suicide was one of the most convenient things of my life: I could get rid of it when and how I wanted.

My death, therefore. In fact, I had already decided on this act towards the end of the Sixties, in Paris. Then it didn’t happen. Then, the “then” of this time, became the then of today and between these two “thens” passed more than 50 years. I reasoned like this in those past times and I still think like this:

Being born from nothing and then returning to another nothing without a “but” and without a “why”, is not fun for a mind that thinks and from any point of view one sees it.

Hearing the ever closer and closer footsteps of the Lady of Darkness night after night is not a pleasant melody, particularly when you know where this sad music will end.

Nature has never been my ideal and never could be as it is. It is at the mercy of at least three principles one worse than the other: the principle of the absurd, the principle of eat or you will be eaten and the principle of the Lady of Darkness. These three universal laws, ranging from micro to macro, apply to every inanimate and animate phenomenon in the entire universe: giant stars swallow the smaller ones and the stronger animals eat the weaker ones. The rest is dominated by the absurd and death. In such a made world, there is no escape for anyone, genius or imbecile he or she  may be.

This being the case, I would gladly embrace Schopenhauer’s idea, that is, if I had to choose between being born and not being born, I would choose not to be born; if I had to choose when to die, I would choose immediately after birth; if I were forced to live my whole life, I would live it getting drunk all the time so as not to hear the footsteps of the Lady of Darkness.

Living then in a society that has, as its main rules, exploitation, violence, wars, discrimination, falsehoods and is made of victims and executioners, it’s not fun. This sort of society has always turned my stomach and insulted my sensibility, my heart and the brain, and I think it is so for all those who have a human dignity and a social conscience. Since the “homo species” appeared on this planet, it has been and still is in the wrong hands. It has to change masters. There is no other way if you want to save it.

In short, if we went to the core of life’s phenomenon, we must ask:

Why do we come into the world?

To die.

Does life have a meaning?

Only the one we give it.

Are we alone?

fundamentally we are all alone.

And what is death?

A release!

Today I am no longer as young as I was in the Sixties, today my 82 years are starting to make me feel their weight less and less light. I do not want to burden them again with ailments, troubles and efforts, much less humiliate them by giving a life at the mercy of a growing unworthy existence. And since there is no time in this world so made to feel sorry for yourself, I decided that my time has come for me to close up with this insulting thing called life!

My death, therefore. This, unlike my birth, I want to manage it myself in all respects and I have to do it while I am alive and in good health, because, in my view, one of the most important things in life is, not only how do you live, but also how do you die.

It is 10.30 in the morning of any day in July 2021 and I am about to enter the office of the Defabianis’ funeral home, in Biella. This is where today I will choose (with me there are Lorenza Negro, my compagnon, and Mr. Massimo Bracco, a representative of the company), my coffin and I will give instructions for my funeral.

First of all I choose the coffin; second, I don’t want neither a funeral nor funeral announcements; third, I want to be cremated in a white habit in the Aosta Valley or in Valenza crematorium; fourth, I want my ashes to be scattered over the Biellese mountains (many of my ideas, which later ended up in the books I published, came to me while I was walking on these mountains); fifth, I am an atheist and not baptized and as such I want to be cremated.

Regarding my funeral, I gave instructions to the Defabianis funeral company and one of their representative Mr. Massimo Bracco. I also delegate my dearest friend Armando Amatista together with my son Julian Goerisch: may they carry out my wishes.

This is the funeral I want. Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for everything.

Last but not least. Whether I commit suicide or not, it doesn’t change anything. For me it’s as if I had done it, as if I had committed suicide.